Preparing for Book Signing

I've been thinking lately about my first public book signing coming up next week. I don't know how I missed that I am going to have to speak and read out loud from my book. I pictured myself at a table just handing out my masterpiece. (Wait? It doesn't work that way?)

So I have been think about how I can sum up in a few minutes how my book came to be. What better place to practice then here on my blog. That is what they are for right? So I am going to tell you a story....

I have had toxic relationships in my life since childhood. I grew up with a toxic parent that was emotionally, verbal, and sometimes even physically abusive. The thing about abuse when I was young was that I didn't know what abuse was. I just thought I must be a really bad kid. Even into adulthood the light bulb hadn't gone off yet. What I did know is that I wanted to leave home as soon as possible. Sadly, it wasn't the end of my experience with toxic relationships as one tend to seek what is familiar. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I became aware. Aware of abuse, aware of how I drew it to myself, aware that I could make a change.

It took sometime to start over and build new and healthy relationships. Slowly, but surely I did. Still I would have moments of self doubt, especially when I became pregnant with my son. I was terrified of the parent I would be. Most people think its funny when they repeat something their mother used to say like, "Because I said so" But I was afraid of this happening. My child deserved to have a happy mother, one that was healthy, not only, in body, but also heart and soul.

I realized that I was still harboring a lot of hurt and resentment. I had told myself to let go many times, but never actually did. Because it is not that simple. I wrote when I was younger. It was a way for me to express myself without punishment for speaking my voice. Poetry was like writing in code. I decided that expressing myself is exactly what I need to do to let go for real this time.

So I embarked on a journey. I decided to write out the five stages of grief as it applied to my past relationships. To say and feel everything that I need to say and feel in order to really put it to rest. My theory was that I hadn't allowed myself a process that is natural to our ability to be happy.

We hold onto anger because it masquerades as strength. It has its purpose, it makes us take action, but hold onto it too long and it will turn bitter. Depression, sadness, is NOT weakness. It is apart of the process that allows us to heal. This is what I committed to. I admitted to the times I was in denial, I got mad and let myself move on to sadness. I grieved, not the loss of a person, but of the relationship I hoped and needed it to be. I embraced acceptance. After fifteen poems of telling myself to let it go, I believe I have.

Publishing my work was an equal part of this process. I am taking a stand against abuse. I am shedding myself of the guilt that comes with it. I am speaking out in hope that others will follow. My book is so that you to can heal. That you can know that you are not alone. This is not a step by step that tells you what to do. It is an emotional escort that walks you through a journey that, I hope, can change your life.