Preparing for Book Signing

I've been thinking lately about my first public book signing coming up next week. I don't know how I missed that I am going to have to speak and read out loud from my book. I pictured myself at a table just handing out my masterpiece. (Wait? It doesn't work that way?)

So I have been think about how I can sum up in a few minutes how my book came to be. What better place to practice then here on my blog. That is what they are for right? So I am going to tell you a story....

I have had toxic relationships in my life since childhood. I grew up with a toxic parent that was emotionally, verbal, and sometimes even physically abusive. The thing about abuse when I was young was that I didn't know what abuse was. I just thought I must be a really bad kid. Even into adulthood the light bulb hadn't gone off yet. What I did know is that I wanted to leave home as soon as possible. Sadly, it wasn't the end of my experience with toxic relationships as one tend to seek what is familiar. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I became aware. Aware of abuse, aware of how I drew it to myself, aware that I could make a change.

It took sometime to start over and build new and healthy relationships. Slowly, but surely I did. Still I would have moments of self doubt, especially when I became pregnant with my son. I was terrified of the parent I would be. Most people think its funny when they repeat something their mother used to say like, "Because I said so" But I was afraid of this happening. My child deserved to have a happy mother, one that was healthy, not only, in body, but also heart and soul.

I realized that I was still harboring a lot of hurt and resentment. I had told myself to let go many times, but never actually did. Because it is not that simple. I wrote when I was younger. It was a way for me to express myself without punishment for speaking my voice. Poetry was like writing in code. I decided that expressing myself is exactly what I need to do to let go for real this time.

So I embarked on a journey. I decided to write out the five stages of grief as it applied to my past relationships. To say and feel everything that I need to say and feel in order to really put it to rest. My theory was that I hadn't allowed myself a process that is natural to our ability to be happy.

We hold onto anger because it masquerades as strength. It has its purpose, it makes us take action, but hold onto it too long and it will turn bitter. Depression, sadness, is NOT weakness. It is apart of the process that allows us to heal. This is what I committed to. I admitted to the times I was in denial, I got mad and let myself move on to sadness. I grieved, not the loss of a person, but of the relationship I hoped and needed it to be. I embraced acceptance. After fifteen poems of telling myself to let it go, I believe I have.

Publishing my work was an equal part of this process. I am taking a stand against abuse. I am shedding myself of the guilt that comes with it. I am speaking out in hope that others will follow. My book is so that you to can heal. That you can know that you are not alone. This is not a step by step that tells you what to do. It is an emotional escort that walks you through a journey that, I hope, can change your life.

Through The Trees Book Release

It has been a year in the making and finally it is here. My book, Through The Trees, is finally available for purchase at amazon.com (click here)

I say a "year in the making" but really it is a "lifetime in the making" that brought this book into existence. I hope that it is loved by poetry lovers and book lovers, alike. But mostly, I wrote this book for specific reason. I have endured a great deal of hurt in my life. I reached a point when I was willing to do whatever it takes to move on and be the happy person I knew I could be. This book began as a cathartic process. Using poetry I allowed myself to remember, to go back through my past hurts and experience each and every stage of grief. I moved past denial, I let go of anger, I let myself by sad, and finally I accepted. Everything I held in for the sake of being strong.. I let go.

Publishing this book is the final step I had to take to really become free. By making my words, emotions, and heartache, available to all, it releases me from the guilt, shame, and fear that I have been carrying. It is my true hope that this book reaches those who have been hurt by someone they love, someone who has endured a toxic relationship, someone who cannot seem to move on.

My intent in publishing this work is to convey to others that they are not alone. That love and hope are possible and tangible to those who seek it.

About Through The Trees: Take a walk through the trees, a poetically written journey of nature and metaphor. Experience a wilderness that comes alive with a hauntingly enchanting spirit. We all have or will experience the heartache at the end of a relationship. It could be with a friend, a love, or even someone from our own family. We grieve all the same. This humble book of poetry is a journey of healing. Each chapter represents a stage of grief. The writer touches the hurting soul in a most compassionate way with artful words that are deeply vulnerable and true to the experience of loss. Challenge yourself to deep self reflection as you take a journey through denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. May you find your way out of the woods and finally be able to see the forest through the trees.

The Sun and the Vine

~From Through The Trees: Chapter 5 Acceptance

A shadow creeps onto the wall capturing the sun’s rays.
The vine shivers in the cold and for the light it prays.
The vine reaches up to the sun calling its name aloud.
The shadow stands still, the shadow of a cloud.


“Sun! Sun!” cries the vine, “Give me back the light!”
It withers with a sorrow and calmly comes the night.
The clouds collide with others; their thunder chases the wind
The vine looks up with hope, only rain the cloud did send.


In the coming morning, dew set upon its leaves.
The vine stands still, it cries and it grieves.
The sun looks down upon it with confusion in its eyes,
“Why do you cry, my vine? Didn't you know that I would rise?”

The vine looks up with a dewy tear,
“My sun when you are away, I truly fear.
You left me to the cold of the night.
Without you I am filled with such a fright.”

“My vine, do not fear. I raised you from a seed,
I would never leave your side and will provide what you need.
You may fear when I am gone each and every night.
But, my dearest vine, I tell you,

You need the dark and rain as much as you need my light.”

Moment in the Night

~ From Through the Trees: Chapter 4 Bargaining

In the deep woods far from many lights

The stars fill the sky like frothy milk .

The scent of Alyssum sweet as honey in the night

Is draping the ground like soft white silk.

All can be seen in the moon’s brightness

Illuminating everything within its scope

Casting starlight onto the lake’s surface

And glistening blades of grass on the hill slopes.

The night appearing to be so gently calm

All life it holds seems to be in peace

And after such turbulent ventures

There is relief in such attainable ease.

I feel a sense of safety in this night

It as if tonight alone was called in truce,

So without foreboding I might freely roam

Passing through realms of bitter spruce.

Glaring eyes are held in the caves

And sneering mouths are tightly bound

Passage is granted for the night

For the moment I am safe and sound.

I cannot see the lurking monsters

Only the night’s beauty is lit by moon.

It is in these moments that I wonder

If I cast judgment far too harsh and too soon.

I realize now that I have found sweet content

This calm night is how I had wished it to be seen

For in this journey there is so much I could resent

But now I see beyond its smoky screen.

Within me I am stirred by a hopeful presence

I release it with a sigh from wakeless bliss.

I see far into the forest’s eye and find fortune

To have known a moment such as this.

---

Copyright © Nina C. Palmer 2014. All rights reserved.

The Cloud

~ From Through the Trees: Chapter 3 Depression

The Cloud

Starlit eyes grace the dark night clouds.

Blanketing the heavens with a muslin shroud,

It drapes silently over the forest canopy.

Drifting its train through the pine trees.

It falls between the branches to the floor,

Sweeping the earth as many times before.

Dragging along following the winds.

With no repentance for its sins.

Caught up in gnarly twigs and boughs

Remnants linger behind as coddled clouds.

Hugged in the branches caressed in leaves.

It sobs of dew on pine bark sleeves.

The break of day crests over the mountain.

The night clouds come apart like cotton.

It trembles in its warmth and starts to thin,

Mourning begins to awaken within.

And from the tree limbs it drifts below,

Over fallen needles it sulks with sorrow,

Dissipating into a heavy humid mist,

It wanders; questioning why it even exists.

Copyright © Nina C. Palmer 2014. All rights reserved.

Yellow Roses

~from Through the Trees, Chapter 2: Anger

You have spoiled the seeds that you buried

With trample and flood at your feet,

And though we grew with fury,

Our scents could never be sweet.

Our crooked stems extend with angst,

You played with our petals too long,

We’ve become tangled and interlaced

Our moment of perfect plucking is gone.

For who would want a stem so bent—

Unsuitable for the shape of any vase

So here we are un-plucked with discontent,

Writhing with the sun on our face.

Shall we be your yellow roses,

Releasing all our petals to you

To be gathered in gnarly poesies

Or left to wilt into a bed of Rue?

Rooted in hardened clay

Our garden in need of tending

Petals on the wind seem at play,

But they are just pretending.

And when the blossom dies

Neither flower nor bud to find,

All will be heard is the gardener’s cries

From the piercing of thorns left behind.

---

© 2014 Nina C Palmer. All rights reserved

The Mist

~ From Through the Trees, Chapter 1: Denial

Going down a lone dirt path,

It winds and twists through the valley

Swarmed in vines tangled in wrath

Clinging to earth feverishly and madly.

The mist stretches down the mountain’s side

Into the vale it hangs heavy down below.

In the haze, I am able to run and hide,

Left alone to distress and throe.

On this aimless path I wander,

The morning’s mist full of gloom.

I walk all alone so quiet and somber

The air is scented of Spanish Broom.

The mist is heavy and fills my chest,

I can’t breathe its humidity and I gasp.

To my knees I fall and I lay to rest.

My breath is stifled and filled with rasp.

Bogged down by the mist’s weight,

I drown in nothing more than heavy air.

Lying on a dirt path I accept my fate,

I am enveloped fully in its snare.

On this unmarked path I will not be found.

It seems the fog will forever persist,

And to this path I am eternally bound,

Fatefully indentured to the mist.

Copyright © Nina C. Palmer 2014. All rights reserved