The Poem That Inspired A Book

Falling in love can be terrifying, especially when we have come from heartache. Although, without that heartache could we truly appreciate or even simply recognize love at all? Life is about perspective. It can be difficult to change when our emotions seem to be fully in charge.

Perhaps this is where the saying "time heals all wounds" comes from. With given time, our emotions change and fade and lend way to a new perspective. This is certainly true for me. I have had my heart broken or at least I had thought so. I realize now mostly my hopes were dashed. I experienced great disappointments. The fact is with a little perspective you realize how wrong someone is for you. I would kick myself over how upset I would be over someone who clearly didn't feel the same way about me. Phsst, why bother with them? In fact, they did me a favor.

Enough disappointment can bring one into quite a pit of despair. Doubt and fear are strong adversaries to hope and courage. However, it is a choice. Down to the sheer chemistry of the matter, our emotions do not rule our thoughts. It's the other way around. What we think is what we eventually feel. That was an important lesson for me.

Hope is all one really needs and good perspective. I see now that my love is stronger than I thought it could be simply because of how much I appreciate how much I am loved. I only can love and appreciate this much because of the heartache I suffered in my past.

I hope that encourages someone to pick themselves up and press on with the hope that true love is just around the corner.

Fear

It seemed so long ago that I was afraid

Fear was my ruler and he was ruthless

It only took but a dashing man to my aid

To free my heart and it became boundless

And so I followed this dashing man

An adventure began at once

With all my courage I took his hand

And left ruthless fear in the dust

The deserted ruler left to demise

Over my shoulder he will sometimes leer

But I find these days I am more wise

No longer a stunned and frozen deer

I send him back with bark and bellow

To his dark and fruitless lands

The trail he leaves behind is yellow

Painted by the tail he drags

My dashing man still at my side

Together fear will not live here

For he is banished countrywide

In a land that will not be ruled by fear

Preparing for Book Signing

I've been thinking lately about my first public book signing coming up next week. I don't know how I missed that I am going to have to speak and read out loud from my book. I pictured myself at a table just handing out my masterpiece. (Wait? It doesn't work that way?)

So I have been think about how I can sum up in a few minutes how my book came to be. What better place to practice then here on my blog. That is what they are for right? So I am going to tell you a story....

I have had toxic relationships in my life since childhood. I grew up with a toxic parent that was emotionally, verbal, and sometimes even physically abusive. The thing about abuse when I was young was that I didn't know what abuse was. I just thought I must be a really bad kid. Even into adulthood the light bulb hadn't gone off yet. What I did know is that I wanted to leave home as soon as possible. Sadly, it wasn't the end of my experience with toxic relationships as one tend to seek what is familiar. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I became aware. Aware of abuse, aware of how I drew it to myself, aware that I could make a change.

It took sometime to start over and build new and healthy relationships. Slowly, but surely I did. Still I would have moments of self doubt, especially when I became pregnant with my son. I was terrified of the parent I would be. Most people think its funny when they repeat something their mother used to say like, "Because I said so" But I was afraid of this happening. My child deserved to have a happy mother, one that was healthy, not only, in body, but also heart and soul.

I realized that I was still harboring a lot of hurt and resentment. I had told myself to let go many times, but never actually did. Because it is not that simple. I wrote when I was younger. It was a way for me to express myself without punishment for speaking my voice. Poetry was like writing in code. I decided that expressing myself is exactly what I need to do to let go for real this time.

So I embarked on a journey. I decided to write out the five stages of grief as it applied to my past relationships. To say and feel everything that I need to say and feel in order to really put it to rest. My theory was that I hadn't allowed myself a process that is natural to our ability to be happy.

We hold onto anger because it masquerades as strength. It has its purpose, it makes us take action, but hold onto it too long and it will turn bitter. Depression, sadness, is NOT weakness. It is apart of the process that allows us to heal. This is what I committed to. I admitted to the times I was in denial, I got mad and let myself move on to sadness. I grieved, not the loss of a person, but of the relationship I hoped and needed it to be. I embraced acceptance. After fifteen poems of telling myself to let it go, I believe I have.

Publishing my work was an equal part of this process. I am taking a stand against abuse. I am shedding myself of the guilt that comes with it. I am speaking out in hope that others will follow. My book is so that you to can heal. That you can know that you are not alone. This is not a step by step that tells you what to do. It is an emotional escort that walks you through a journey that, I hope, can change your life.

The Sun and The Vine by Nina C. Palmer