Halloween Traditions

Happy Halloween Everyone! The big day is here! I felt my page needed a little holiday update. I am so excited to dress up my little boy in his dragon costume. This will be the first year he can actually walk himself from house to house. Though he only knows about five words I am sure expressions will speak for themselves. A cutey like him is going to get a lot of candy. With my mother-in-law on candy duty, I will be able to walk the block as well and take lots of pictures.

So glad Halloween fell on a Friday. I usually work a half day from skipping lunch all week. There is a pot of soaking beans calling my name at home right now. I figure 1PM to 7PM is a good 6 hours of cooking and we should be able to enjoy a big bowl by the time trick or treating starts.

So today's question is: do I keep my bean stew recipe a secret or "spill the beans"? .... I've never been good at secrets. I just get too excited. My husband gets his Christmas presents the first week of December. So my beans, this will be year number three. How many years before you have a tradition?

Anyways, I take two bags of black beans and soak them overnight, then I rinse and drain them, refill the water and start the pot on the stove set to boil. I settle in a couple of good sized smoke ham hocks, chop up a whole red onion, once it hits a boil I reduce to simmer, and let is stew for hours.

Towards the end I add a few spices and flavors. A little Worcestershire sauce, tablespoon or so of minced garlic, salt, and pepper, all just to taste. This recipe is best kept simple. Oh, and one more thing, I buy a bag of bacon ends crisp them up and throw them on top of my bowl with a little shredded cheddar cheese. That's still simple right? I think so. Ham hock melted off the bone mixed into creamy black beans, there is nothing better on a cold Halloween night, or every night the next week after for that matter. After trick-or-treating we will fire up the fire pit and make some s'mores. Ending the perfect Halloween night.

I am going to do a slam :[

Well, it's official. I have signed up on nanowrimo.org with intent of writing quite a bit next month. Does poetry count for a month designated to novel writing? Probably not, but I think a goal of heavy writing all month is a good idea. It will be refreshing to really get into my current book. I gave myself a deadline for finishing. It has to be ready and published by Valentine's Day 2016. That gives me well over a year, to write, have it edited, some illustrations, and publish. I am excited to see what I come up with this time. Most days, I agree with the quote above. Everyone's poetry is so different from mine. I suppose we are all very different and it just seems like I stand out because it is my own writing.

At the co-book signing I shared the audience with two other writers. We all had a common thread in our writing but were all incredibly different in how we wrote and spoke. I know I haven't followed up on how my first signing went, that is simply because I didn't want to think about it till now. The truth is it was absolutely terrifying. I got myself so worked up with nerves, I am surprised I even got through it. I shook like a leaf, I had a hard time looking up at everyone. It was awful.

On the other hand, I had such support from my family. Sometimes putting yourself out there can really surprise you. They really came through for me.  I think my main issue wasn't just sitting in front of others and reading, it was the intro I had prepared. For the first time ever, I spoke openly about my childhood, about the verbal and emotional abuse I endured and recovered from. I didn't think that would be as difficult as it was. I wonder if there will always be a sense of shame that accompanies that history, or if I will ever truly just accept its happening and be able to speak about it as if I wasn't speaking about myself.... perhaps that is the key to future readings. Pretend I am talking about someone other than myself, but then what would happen to the emotion in the words I am reading?

I guess we will find out. I have decided that I will do a poetry slam in the next month. Listening to the other poet/author, who is a veteran when it comes to slams, I feel I have now an idea of the style and tempo that would be suited for such an event. I thought to myself as I listened to her, "I need something far more gritty than flowers and trees." I have had a little something I thought would be appropriate for a slam and after listening to her I think it will suit very well.

I look forward to your feedback....

It's titled "Triggered"

I doubt myself now

Seems my way is truly lost

For so long you told me who I was

And who I am to be today

I live in this doubt

I question everything I say and do

Nothing is without rhyme or reason

So few are moments of self acceptance

Who is this person you made me to be?

Tell Me! What did you want for me?

Was it truly just to serve you?

Indentured to your every need

Floundering without your voice

Slumped without your backbone

Is this really what you want for me?

To only live as you say

What mother wants this for her child?

What Queen births slaves?

The whip cracked along my back

And scars that still remain

My finger is always on the trigger

It seeks only you and I find you

In every person I meet

And they become my victim

I love them never as you did me

A true love as it is supposed to be

And yet I anticipate that you

Will come creeping out of their mouths

And I am always ready for you

With my finger on the trigger

And then it occurs-it happens

The moment when I think I see you

In an expression or a phrase

I hear your voice. I pull the trigger

…… And shot the one I love

He looks at me in shock

He is appalled that I could do such a thing

He is betrayed

And no longer knows me

I don’t see you now

Your face could not hold such hurt

As one who truly loved me

I only see the pain I caused the one I love

He was never you

Your voice, your way

Never came from him at all

It came from me

I aim with my finger on the trigger.

How do you write about being without love, when you have so much?

Post by Nina C Palmer.

Should Through The Trees become a series?

A question for the readers, I had a thought this morning... Although Through The Trees is a process and every chapter represents a stage of grief, I am considering making each chapter into a chapbook. It would be sold individually for maybe $2.50 and the cover would be the chapter illustrations that I had done (see below) Before I venture into such a project I would love your input as a reader. What do you think? 

Do you judge a book by its cover?

I know we are told not to, but don't we? I certainly do. I glance at all kinds of books and the one I want appeals visually first. I am not sure we can help it. So I went to my publishing site and looked as some templates for covers. Here are two more covers with a little more professionalism to them. Your input really matters to me. To me they both look pretty, but I don't know which one a person would pick up and say "I gotta read this!"

What should my new cover be?

I am working on the cover of my next book Reaching The Castle Wall. A composition of poetry about the love and heartache we enduring trying to find true love. The poetry will make references to well known fairy tales and also just have a flair for fairy tale times like dragons, knights, maidens, and mystical kingdoms. Very excited to start, already have a few under my belt. Working on the cover just makes it start becoming real and inspires me to really get at it. I have found a couple of images I like, but really can't decide. I don't want it to be to busy, but at the same time eye catching and alluring. Which would you just have to pick up? The top one? Or the bottom one?

Are you excited for Halloween?!

The only comfort of such cold weather is the coming holidays. Idaho is in the 40's right now and my still Californian blood has some serious issues with that. You would think after 20 plus years you would acclimate to a climate, but alas, I recall an Autumn in the 60's and a place where oak trees were never bare of their thorny leaves.

Although Thanksgiving and Christmas are great, I have to say that Halloween is my fave. Growing up in the mountains meant no trick or treating. A parent who has the religious outlook similar to Carrie's mother (The movie, of course) meant no dressing up or celebrating whatsoever. I remember two children's books I had one the "real" story of Halloween and the other the "real" story of Easter (yes, the Easter bunny died very early in my youth)

When I became a teen we moved to Idaho, where I now, still, reside. We lived in an actual neighborhood with lots of kids. So this meant Halloween was spent in the dark with all the lights off so that no one would come to our door. I can remember a few "Harvest" parties that our christian church organized. Something for the kids who were deprived of all the fun.

So you can imagine, as an adult, my excitement regarding my independence to do "Whatever the hell I want!" No worries, I did not trick or treat as an adult, but I did dress up EVERY SINGLE YEAR from then on.

Now I have a little one of my own. Last year we threw a big Halloween Trick or Treating party. All the kids came over and went door to door together. I made my traditional black bean with ham hock stew (The best thing I ever ate in cold weather!) I won't make it until Halloween so I can anticipate it for a month before I get to have it. My little one will not even be two yet and still he will be dressed up (as a dragon, too cute) and go with daddy around the neighborhood. At least this year he can walk.

There are just certain memories that I want him. I think I am off to a good start.

A Halloween inspired poem for you all today.....because "I can write about whatever I want! Even Halloween"

Through The Trees Book Trailer

With a little time and effort my book trailer for Through The Trees is finally here. This is a big difference from the poem videos I did. A little research and practice can lead to great things! I am super pleased and I hope everyone likes it!!!

Preparing for Book Signing

I've been thinking lately about my first public book signing coming up next week. I don't know how I missed that I am going to have to speak and read out loud from my book. I pictured myself at a table just handing out my masterpiece. (Wait? It doesn't work that way?)

So I have been think about how I can sum up in a few minutes how my book came to be. What better place to practice then here on my blog. That is what they are for right? So I am going to tell you a story....

I have had toxic relationships in my life since childhood. I grew up with a toxic parent that was emotionally, verbal, and sometimes even physically abusive. The thing about abuse when I was young was that I didn't know what abuse was. I just thought I must be a really bad kid. Even into adulthood the light bulb hadn't gone off yet. What I did know is that I wanted to leave home as soon as possible. Sadly, it wasn't the end of my experience with toxic relationships as one tend to seek what is familiar. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I became aware. Aware of abuse, aware of how I drew it to myself, aware that I could make a change.

It took sometime to start over and build new and healthy relationships. Slowly, but surely I did. Still I would have moments of self doubt, especially when I became pregnant with my son. I was terrified of the parent I would be. Most people think its funny when they repeat something their mother used to say like, "Because I said so" But I was afraid of this happening. My child deserved to have a happy mother, one that was healthy, not only, in body, but also heart and soul.

I realized that I was still harboring a lot of hurt and resentment. I had told myself to let go many times, but never actually did. Because it is not that simple. I wrote when I was younger. It was a way for me to express myself without punishment for speaking my voice. Poetry was like writing in code. I decided that expressing myself is exactly what I need to do to let go for real this time.

So I embarked on a journey. I decided to write out the five stages of grief as it applied to my past relationships. To say and feel everything that I need to say and feel in order to really put it to rest. My theory was that I hadn't allowed myself a process that is natural to our ability to be happy.

We hold onto anger because it masquerades as strength. It has its purpose, it makes us take action, but hold onto it too long and it will turn bitter. Depression, sadness, is NOT weakness. It is apart of the process that allows us to heal. This is what I committed to. I admitted to the times I was in denial, I got mad and let myself move on to sadness. I grieved, not the loss of a person, but of the relationship I hoped and needed it to be. I embraced acceptance. After fifteen poems of telling myself to let it go, I believe I have.

Publishing my work was an equal part of this process. I am taking a stand against abuse. I am shedding myself of the guilt that comes with it. I am speaking out in hope that others will follow. My book is so that you to can heal. That you can know that you are not alone. This is not a step by step that tells you what to do. It is an emotional escort that walks you through a journey that, I hope, can change your life.

Psychologytoday.com Just reviewed my book! What an honor!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201410/friend-first-sight/healing-toxic-relationship

I am over the moon excited today! Dr Heitler, Phd and author just reviewed and recommended my book on Psychologytoday.com! It is amazing to have someone so accredited look at my work and see how it can help others. I am so thankful and truly honored.

Here are the books that Dr Heitler has published.

The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong and Loving Marriage

The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage
David Decides About Thumbsucking: A Story for Children, a Guide for Parents 
Depression A Disorder of Power
Anxiety Friend or Foe?