How I Fell In Love

After all the toxic relationships that I have experienced I still managed to find the man of my dreams and fall in love. A near impossible task I had once thought. For a long time it seemed that I would run away from every serious relationship that presented itself. The key I think... was one man's patience.

I had a five year long terrible and abusive relationship with an A-class narcissist. Controlling, possessive, and always demeaning.  Verbally and emotionally abusive, never physical, but I was always afraid that day would come. It took everything I had to walk away. I had absolutely nothing. It was an incredible struggle to start over. Even now it is hard to look back on just how desolate my life had become. Yet, at the same time, I was free. Being cold and hungry was so much better than being abused.

Venturing out single again was terrifying. My self esteem, my confidence, my true sense of self was completely forgotten. I did manage to round up a date here or there. Turns out I was better looking and more of a catch than I had been lead to believe. Slowly but surely I regained some self esteem, but still always struggled with trusting someone.

I had some hard theories about men and relationships in those days. They made great friends but dating seemed to be the beginning of the end. The same year as my break up, I made such a friend. But unlike all the others, the friendship was constant. For a very long time (about five years long) it stayed just that. A friendship. Over time he became my very best friend. The one person in the world I could count on for anything. Knowing I was in love? Well everyone knew that that we were in love,  but us.

I remember ending yet another too short romance, I had become a serial dater. My BFF still in the dating game himself, I had come to a point when the thought of something long term didn't really scare me anymore. I had to consider, what or who I was even looking for. I had a distinct exterior in mind. But what I wanted from someone I couldn't even begin to describe. I just knew what I didn't want. Any sense I had that someone was trying to control me was out like the trash. Kicked to the curb. Then I had a thought. I realized that no guy in his right mind would be okay with me having a guy for a best friend. That wouldn't be controlling just good sense. Then I thought, well I definitely knew that no woman would be okay with my BFF having me for a best friend either.

I realized to even consider having long time relationship would mean sacrificing the best relationship I ever had.... wait a sec.... and then I knew. I was in love. I would rather be single forever and keep my BFF then be with anyone else. No wonder no one ever struck me as "the one". He had been right at my side all along. Five long years of building our friendship day after day until finally there was none other to even consider.

My only fearful thought, was not knowing if he felt the same way. But looking back it was quite clear that it was we, not just I, that was in love. So how does one profess their true feelings?

His birthday was coming in a few months and I wanted to give him a gift that would surely reveal my feelings for him. I had always wanted to play the guitar so I took up guitar lessons and began to learn his favorite song. When his birthday came I told he would have to wait for his gift a little longer. Over my birthday and the forth of July we had a trip planned with friends to a small town in the woods with a big lake that congregates everyone between 21 and 30 within a 200 miles radius.

We watched fireworks off the dock and ventured back to the cabin we were staying in. It was probably around 2 AM I gave him my birthday cigar and told him to go light it up out on the deck. I came out with our friend's guitar and told him I was ready to give him his birthday present. So there we were on a warm July night, alone, under the stars in the woods, I played "landslide" on the guitar for him.

We were pretty much together from that day forward. By the following year we bought a house and got married. Seems reckless to get hitched after such a short dating period, especially after all I had been through. But I knew him, inside and out. In five years, he was constant never wavering from who he was. Five years of marriage later, he is still the guy I sat on that deck with.

Hoping you all have a wonderful Valentine's today, and if you are not dating, or seeing, or courting someone.... I suggest you spend it with your best friend.

Why We Cannot Change Anyone

I wrote this poem from a memory I had as a child. There really was a dove I found with a broken wing. I picked it up and brought it inside, put a towel in a small box to give it a place to lay, but that was the extent of all I could do for it. Soon after the dove died.

I look back on this moment and think of our innate desire to fix people and help them to change, all coming from a place of wanting them to be happy, safe, and well. We are so limited in our ability to do this. At the end of the day, sometimes someone who is broken is just that... broken. There isn't anything that we can really say or do that will make them any better, any happier.

I don't actually believe that anyone really can change, though some may disagree. I do believe that emotionally stable and well people can grow, but ultimately we are inherently who we are. When it comes to toxic relationships I have a contradictory thought. One I have considered greatly this week, I think I have had an ah-ha moment.

In most toxic relationships, we are dealing with a personality disorder. In my research of borderline personality disorder I once read something that really stuck. That someone with this disorder cannot actually process consequence. Makes sense since one cannot experience consequence if they do not find themselves to blame for anything. If you cannot self reflect and see your own wrongdoings, if you have no regret, then you cannot hold yourself accountable for your actions and cannot see or process the consequence of those actions... therefore, no personal growth, you will not change.

This is the very reason that one cannot change another. I think of the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but cannot make him drink" You can plead your case to your relationship counterpart, express how their actions have affected you, but unless they really want to see it, they won't.

I think back to my teen years, when I would get into disagreements with my mother, who had just taken up therapy, when I would tell her how her actions or words made me feel she would say "I cannot make you feel anything." Basically saying that regardless of how she behaves or what she says to me I am responsible for my own feelings. I realize that her therapist may have been trying to empower her, I don't think he realized that empowerment was not something that she lacked. Empathy on the other hand....

I cannot completely disagree with this statement. It reminds me of the quote "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" said by Eleanor Roosevelt. So there in lies the contradiction, if someone says or does something that hurts you are you responsible for that pain because it is your own, or are they responsible for their words and actions that hurt you?

I choose to believe both. When someone says or does something that hurts you, you then are responsible for how you respond. Do you endure? in silence or do you express your feelings? Or do you walk away? How you respond is the consequence one has to live with. Whether they take it as such is up to them. Now that, we have no control over.

Perhaps we are the ones who should take flight, before we ourselves are the broken ones.

On Hiatus

So, I have not forgotten that I have a blog to keep up on. Just having some personal health issues that must be attended to. Sometimes it is good to just slow down and focus on ourselves so that we can come back twice as strong. The last couple of weeks have been a real challenge and I foresee that the next few may not be much different. So during that time I may be taking a little break from my blogging and Facebook posting, etc... Thanks to all for the love and support during this stressful time.

Cherishing Christmas

This is my last blog of the year. I want nothing more than to put down my phone, step away from my desk, and cherish every moment of the holiday. When I come home tonight we will go shopping for stocking stuffers, bake some more cookies, and well, do everything I have no childhood memory of doing. 

I was once afraid of becoming a parent, but now I laugh at myself. What was I so afraid of? Being a mom brings me more delight and joy than I ever could have imagined. And even in these very early months and years of my son's life, I live out the moments of childhood I wished I had. Only now, it is so much more cherished, so much more embraced, so much more... because it is a moment I intentionally give to him and share with him. Merry Christmas Everyone.

Why one family should stay together

It seems I spend a lot of time thinking about my choice to leave friends and family (of the toxic variety) behind and while that adds vigor to my position, it can take it's toll. Today, I switch gears. for the sake of privacy I will not share too many details, but I do really want to share a story of why a family (a specific family) should stay together.

So I have this friend.... we used to work together. He is what made our awful job so fun and entertaining. My husband and I remain friends with him to this day. We got to know each other pretty well. Including things about our families. I used to joke with him that he married (and divorced, but still very much loved) my mother. The stories we would tell each other it could have been the same person. They had a small brady bunch of four altogether. Some before meeting, some together, and some after. However, through all their drama, all four kids have remained together. Siblings by marriage and by blood, they are all connected in one way or another.

We know the adage, it comes in threes, I hope that is true. A family can only endure so much tragedy. My dear friend was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis last year, he has suffered its progression ever since.  I will add that even though he suffers from MS he has amazing support for himself and his children.Then, not too long ago, their children's mother passed away. Though they had their ups and downs, I know that he only endured their relationship out of true love for her and their children (all of them). And now comes number three, In the aftermath of this tragedy their family finds itself in a custody battle.

My friend does not fight this battle for himself. He fights this battle for his four children. The other two parties that want custody, do not want custody of all four of them, just this one, or those two. It makes me so angry to see people be so selfish, to not consider what they threaten to take away from these children. In their time of grieving, do they not need each other? Their brothers, their sisters, their father?

I tend to stay out of causes and/or politics, I rarely speak my mind on such controversial things. Though believe you me I do have an opinion. But today, I see a dear friend in dire need, and in his four children, I see myself. As I know what it is to grow up with a mother just like the one that they had. I wonder what my life would have been if the same had happened to me, if then I was taken away from my brother and sister, taken from my father. I can't imagine the worry that has befallen their shoulders. What concern they must bear, for themselves, their siblings, and their father.

So today, I do speak on behalf of another, in hopes that my voice will carry their plea far. That help will come to them. That these children can take a sigh of relief and know the battle is over and they will remain together.

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Thanksgiving and Toxic Family

This weekend brought out the first sunlight I have seen in a couple of weeks. It is funny how the weather can effect our mood so much. Not that I have been a grump for two weeks, but my spirits are definitely lifted by the returning sunlight.

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I tend to dwell on the past more than I like to admit. My extended family is quite divided. Though I am very happy to spend this Thanksgiving with my family (the ones that still talk to each other) I get lost in thought over the family that will not be attending. Every year I wonder if someone will return to our lives, and every holiday season shop for their Christmas gift even if I won't be buying it.

Holidays can do that to us I suppose. I wonder, since I think of lost family so much this time of year, if they, too, get caught up in the same whirlwind of memories. Our family has gone its separate ways for good reason. I do believe that not having some people come is for the best. Though, I know I may be judged for feeling this way, I can only say that walking away from family is never an easy decision. So when that decision is made I think people who have not been in such a position should just feel lucky that it isn't them that had to make it.

What I do know, and what I have learned is that I must hold onto the family that I have with extra thanks. That I intend on raising my children with the intent that they will out live me and will someday only have each other. I can only instill to them the importance of communicating through their differences and finding love and acceptance of each other at the end of every disagreement. I can only imagine how my family relationships would have been if we had such habits ourselves.

A toxic relationship can be a friend, a spouse, a parent, anyone. And it is never okay. Whether you are bonded by blood or not, Relationships of any kind should be built on respect, boundaries, and love. This Thanksgiving I will be sitting down with my family. Family that loves and respects me, and I couldn't be happier. And as usual, when my thoughts drift to those that are not attending, I will send a good thought. I picture them surrounded by people who love them and hope that they feel as grateful for it as I do.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

This week's snowfall makes me reminisce about where I grew up. Mostly, thinking of how warm California is in the winter. I have no problem with a place that doesn't snow during the winter season. I do remember that it rained. Our little canyon would get mud slides that took out entire sections of our road. It could be a couple of weeks before the county came up to make repairs. 

Everyone who lived up in the woods had a piece of equipment. The neighbor down the road had a tractor, my dad had a dump truck, etc. They would go out themselves and dig out people's homes and clear the roads. I didn't realize it then, but as an adult I realize, they must have had a blast. I can think of my husband if it were him up there, just how much fun he would be having. He gets excited when I get him a small power tool, imagine a dump truck. 

To this day, I love heavy rainfall. I became accustom to the seclusion of where I was raised. Heavy rain meant the terrain would change and give a whole new experience on my next walk in the woods. I remember where  a dry creek bed was and how it would would become a stream if enough rain fell. Rain was such a peaceful time. 

Where we live now, the rain is short lived. For most of the year, it is fairly dry. This week Idaho was dumped on by record breaking snowfall. Where we may have only received a few inches (or none at all since it is still November) we received 10 inches in a single day. (And everyone says we have global warming, are we sure it isn't an ice age coming, because it feels that way) Considering the conditions, I decided to stay home with my son and stay in for a snow day. He had his first hot chocolate. I am pretty sure the word "cocoa" is the fastest word he has picked up so far. All day, "more cocoa" 

I realize from my own childhood that memories are definitely made. I think that explains why I lack a lot of memory from when I was younger. I wasn't interacted with much by my stay-at-home mother. Inside or out, I spent it mostly alone. If I was inside I had to be in my room, I only remember being out of my room when my father came home. I wonder what my son will remember when he is older. Will it be the hot cocoa? I know, I know he is 18 months old, but what if we started a tradition that the first day of snow always meant cocoa. I think that it is tradition that embeds the memory. So I decided immediately, when I saw the delight on his face with his first cup that I must make the tradition that the first snowfall will always have a cup a cocoa to go with it. To ensure he remembers. 

This weekend, I will turn his little red sled into a one-dog-open slay . A harness for our dog and a leash to the sled should make for a great time in the snow. Especially, since this weekend we are getting dumped on again by another storm and we will not be going anywhere. 

Bullying Awareness Week~ How I survived being bullied

This week is Anti Bullying week. I can't say just how happy I am that there is a time in the school year that dedicates itself to this awareness. Though bullying still occurs, I like to think this is a step in the right direction. Back when I was in school there wasn't anything like this. The policies were not enforced like they are today. I feel more confident about my child going to school now then I would have ten years ago. 

I was bullied relentlessly when I was a kid. Constantly picked on and made to be an outcast. In elementary school I lived up in the hills. I had limited neighbors and even few neighborhood kids. School was my only place to socialize with others, because when I got home at the end of the day, there was no one to interact with but myself. I do feel that this socially stunted me in some ways. Also, the kids I grew up with had a negative connotation of where my home was. It was assumed that I was poor. 

In addition, due to my home life circumstances I took advantage of the only time I had with other kids. I was definitely the chatty one. At least, in the beginning of elementary school. Which of course landed me in a lot of trouble and also trouble for the person I was talking to. Somehow at the beginning of every school year (like day one) I was set aside from the class from first to fifth grade. All the desks in a cube, I was the odd one out, set to the back, or front, or directly in the aisle with a collection of students on each side. Imagine the impact that has not just on the child being set a part from others, but also the impression it would make on the same students year after year. What does that tell them? 

It wasn't until I was an adult, it casually came up in conversation with my mother. Who then, after all those years, told me it was she who in fact went to each and every teacher and told them to segregate me from my class. All the days I came home crying for being teased over just that and she knew all along. I felt the knife go in my back. 

We moved mid junior high. Living in a small town in Idaho was no easier. Although, I will say that I was very optimistic to start over. Needless to say, the damage was done. My concept of making friends was skewed. Also, being in such a small town, cliches had been formed and bonded well before my arrival. Outsiders, especially Californians, were not welcomed. 

Bullying continued, not just relentlessly mean girls, but boys, too. I can remember being "white washed" by five boys a grade up from me my freshman year. White washing, for those who are unfamiliar, is being shoved in the snow and kicked around unable to get up and get away. They added de-pantsing me to white washing. Making it very cold and humiliating. 

No one stepped in. No one said stop. Blank mindless bystanders. My mother's solution was to move me to a small private school. I was safe from kids bullying me, but is there ever a place without a bully? I have discovered the answer is "no". My bully at this school (which was really a double wide of about thirty kids from k-12) was the owner of the school herself. A tiny, yet nasty and vile, woman. The things I would say to her now, well am sure, may have already been said. At least I hope so. 

Okay, my bully ranting is almost over. I just want to get to the good part and probably the most controversial part of this post. That is, how I survived being bullied, what I know now that I will pass down to my son long before he encounters the same problems.  I eventually transferred back to the town high school. Again, running from a bully, this time my mother had maybe the best idea and took the best action as a parent she ever did. I only wish it had happened sooner. 

She enrolled me in boxing. Now that's not so crazy these days, but this is 1996 mind you. It was unheard of back then. I was only supposed to learn a few moves, but I fell madly in love with it. I could take a punch to the nose without even a flinch, and it turns out, I was a lot stronger than I realized. To keep up with boxing I made an outrageous move, according to my high school principal anyway. I joined the boy's wrestling team. Even more, I signed up for boy's weight lifting. I became the strongest, toughest girl I knew. 

What's funny, I never got to put it into practice. I know most people may read this and think that I resolved violence and bullying with more violence and bullying, but it is quite the opposite. Just the knowledge that I could fight back gave me a confidence and warded off all future attacks. No one touched me ever again. Granted I didn't all of a sudden get invited into a cliche or anything. But who wants friends like that anyways? 

Those days are long behind me, and as my book may indicate I still dealt with bullies into adulthood, but I'll be damned if anyone put their hands on me again. The truth is ever bully I encountered after that, though adulthood brings more psychological abuse, I fight. I fight back. I fight hard. 

What you do with your kids is your own decision to make. If you have a child who is being bullied, I just want to tell you, that enrolling them into something that teaches them that they are strong, they will stand a fighting chance. 

Tea & Poetry Book Club: Nina C. Palmer Takes a Journey Through The Trees

I don't know that I will ever grow accustomed to the praise I have received in the last year. Whether that praise be from family and friends, or complete strangers that took the time to look into what I have accomplished. I don't think that I want to either. There is a sense of humbleness that comes with doing something so vulnerable and displaying it for others to see and judge.

I can only say that I feel incredibly blessed to have received the support that I have thus far. Not that every attempt to reach out has been accepted. Plenty of poetry journals have rejected my submissions. I tell myself, that I haven't tried them all, that my voice, my work will find a home. Discouraging as it may be, it is days like today that take me just a little further into optimism.

Tea & Poetry Book Club is a great book club, composed of amazingly wonderful people. I feel very blessed today that they have featured my book on their Facebook, Twitter, and blog. When you take a chance on someone you give them hope. Today I have hope that my words will reach just a little further and hopefully speak to someone who needs to hear those words. I do not seek fame or fortune, only to have cleansed my soul of the torment I had carried with me throughout my life. Now that I have, I feel I know the way, the path that leads to the light. My hope is that Through The Trees guides others to the happiness that they deserve.

Special thanks to Tea & Poetry Book Club for an amazing feature of my book. You have humbled me with your kind words and I am forever grateful. Thank you.
Tea & Poetry Book Club: Nina C. Palmer Takes a Journey Through The Trees

The Poem That Inspired A Book

Falling in love can be terrifying, especially when we have come from heartache. Although, without that heartache could we truly appreciate or even simply recognize love at all? Life is about perspective. It can be difficult to change when our emotions seem to be fully in charge.

Perhaps this is where the saying "time heals all wounds" comes from. With given time, our emotions change and fade and lend way to a new perspective. This is certainly true for me. I have had my heart broken or at least I had thought so. I realize now mostly my hopes were dashed. I experienced great disappointments. The fact is with a little perspective you realize how wrong someone is for you. I would kick myself over how upset I would be over someone who clearly didn't feel the same way about me. Phsst, why bother with them? In fact, they did me a favor.

Enough disappointment can bring one into quite a pit of despair. Doubt and fear are strong adversaries to hope and courage. However, it is a choice. Down to the sheer chemistry of the matter, our emotions do not rule our thoughts. It's the other way around. What we think is what we eventually feel. That was an important lesson for me.

Hope is all one really needs and good perspective. I see now that my love is stronger than I thought it could be simply because of how much I appreciate how much I am loved. I only can love and appreciate this much because of the heartache I suffered in my past.

I hope that encourages someone to pick themselves up and press on with the hope that true love is just around the corner.

Fear

It seemed so long ago that I was afraid

Fear was my ruler and he was ruthless

It only took but a dashing man to my aid

To free my heart and it became boundless

And so I followed this dashing man

An adventure began at once

With all my courage I took his hand

And left ruthless fear in the dust

The deserted ruler left to demise

Over my shoulder he will sometimes leer

But I find these days I am more wise

No longer a stunned and frozen deer

I send him back with bark and bellow

To his dark and fruitless lands

The trail he leaves behind is yellow

Painted by the tail he drags

My dashing man still at my side

Together fear will not live here

For he is banished countrywide

In a land that will not be ruled by fear